Most of us can be held captive by many things, and physical confinement is but one of those. Because captivity most often comes with a mindset of helplessness, disempowerment, and vulnerability, perhaps the most confining of all constraints are those of the mind. If we believe something is true, that is our reality.
Some years ago, a friend and colleague, whom I will identify as Dr. Z, explained a notion about this to me. He is a hypnotist, and he contends that it is our belief system that matters in so many things, and not necessarily the reality of a situation. Our beliefs are our reality. One of his examples of this phenomenon is his “Glued fingers story.” Dr. Z describes a demonstration of the power of hypnosis in an experiment in which subjects are instructed to clasp their fingers together, and to imagine that the hypnotist is pouring glue over their fingers. The subjects are instructed to feel it oozing down through their fingers and dripping out the bottom; then they are instructed to imagine the glue beginning to set up, harder and harder, until finally, it is completely hard. Next, the subjects are asked to separate their clasped hands—they are unable to do so. Their perception is that their fingers are glued together. Dr. Z’s contention is if one believes one’s fingers are glued together, indeed they are. And as with so many other perceptions, the belief system overrides reality.
In his work, he goes on to say that we hold on to many concepts and beliefs that leave us stuck, mired down in an erroneous zone, and often in a situation which is not reflective of the true reality. These thoughts echo the ideas proposed by the father/son team of writers on paradigms, Stephen and Sean Covey. The Coveys’ ideas are powerfully proposed in their texts on habits of successful people, and recognizing one’s paradigms, one’s system of beliefs is one of their themes. Similar to Dr. Z., they note that recognizing one’s paradigms is sometimes a difficult task. Perhaps it is a kind of denial.
One particularly restricting form of confinement is holding on to past grievances and hurts. Long after the initial experience is gone and forgotten by some, the injured party may continue to grieve, hold grudges and languish over real or perceived slights. The (ir)responsible party may have long since moved on, away from the precipitating episode, but the other is still seething, still harboring hostility and still holding on to real or perceived injuries. Such a retentive person is confined by his/her perceptions to a personally imposed imprisonment. Holding on to the injuries is a caging restriction that is just as real as physical incarceration in a cell. Sustaining anger, vitriol and bitterness requires a lot of emotional space that could be freed to allow one to pursue a more self-actualizing life style.
In the matter of forgiveness, the forgiven most often need to be forgiven, but the real benefit accrues to the forgiver, who can finally let go of a burdensome weight.
-Michael Cundiff
